So about a week ago I passed 200,000 original page views here at this site. I would have noticed sooner but I have been too busy dancing around my bedroom in my underwear singing Girl Talk in to my hairbrush.
I have been thinking of what I could do for you guys to celebrate. I decided on two treats.
First, let me share with you the most magnificent piece of mail that I have received in the past (almost) two years. Seriously, I love this glorious heaping of hate; it is one of my most prized possessions. This letter had some stiff competition, but this one takes the cake. After going back and forth with this guy, and telling him “good bye” (whoops, I made a typo…shocking) and calling him insecure, I got this lovely gem. It was actually a comment I chose not publish because this guy was begging for way more attention than I am ever willing to give a man. Please enjoy:
Apparently you think I’m “an insecure man,” and that’s unattractive to you. This saddens me. Tell you what, I would wager the balance of my bank account that I could take you home (your home, since I’d be from out-of-town). But it probably wouldn’t work because I imagine you get hit on so rarely and would realize that something was up once a stud like myself hit on you. Oh, and I bet you’re easier than a Saigon hooker (call it a remnant from your fatty days).
Then, there is the matter of us being in the same industry. Well, me at least. I’m 23 and I’ve had more front-page stories and freelance clips in national magazines than you will likely ever see, even if you can parlay this craptastic blog into an actual job (I think Martha Stewart’s Living is hiring?).
So while you may have “banned” me, I take solace in knowing that I’m out of your league in every way imaginable. Feel free to forget you ever ran into me. I can only imagine how sad of a reminder I am. Goodbye to you, love.
P.S. Goodbye is one word. Why the fuck would it be two? And combative baby shouldn’t be hyphenated. Do you see a compound modifier in there?
P.P.S. I know you can read this. If you would like to respond, I will give you the ability to (see below). If not, I completely understand. Enjoy living in
your delusional blog world.
I am not going to offer a shred of commentary, but would love to hear yours.
And the other treat for y’all? It is raffle time once again. Comment below–a question, an observation, a haiku, or a compliment on the awesomeness of my hair, the reason why I am a hooker–and you will be entered. Names will be chosen at random. The raffle closes tomorrow night (5/7) at 5 pm EST. If it can be shipped (ie no cakes), I will make the winner whatever they want…within reason.
Thanks to all of you…and thanks for accepting my hooking ways.